Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
