who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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