Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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