she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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