I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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