He kissed a someone with a penis
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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