i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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