My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
