Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
