Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
