New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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