I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
