well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
