Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
