Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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