i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize