I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
