my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
