Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
