You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
do herpes really smell.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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