Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
