Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Don't make out with my wife yet
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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