My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
