I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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