i think my tv is drunk
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
