Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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