Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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