it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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