I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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