I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
