new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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