I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just google imaged poop.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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