I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
