So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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