She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
