Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
