why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
