I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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