I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my being single is dangerous.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
