This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
