somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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