once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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