So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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