Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
