Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize