Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize
