I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize