You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need water and some morals
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
