It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
