Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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