I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize