I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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