Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
