My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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