I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
