He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
