Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
